Search
  • Jeremy

New theory of gravity: ‘A wizard did it’

Updated: Sep 17

In a report released last week, co-signed by every currently working physicist, Science as a whole has given up on the pursuit of a quantum explanation of gravity - and has decided instead that a Wizard did it.

"It was a huge weight off my back when I realised it," said Wizard enthusiast Jarred Baker. "It was so obvious. Gravity isn't the result of any Graviton, or some mystical configurations - the answer is much more obvious: Gravity is the will of a Wizard.”


This revolutionary breakthrough finally solves the underlying issue of finding a quantum theory of gravity - meaning thousands of physicists are free to see their wives, husbands and children again. "I really have missed Benny," said eminent physicist Maria Shaw. "Last time I saw him he was just learning how to play catch. I think he's married now. I wonder if his sister is still alive."


Critics of the discovery have claimed that, while the evidence is strong, it is too soon to decide specifically which of the seven spectral wizards we are currently aware of is to blame - Indeed, this may be the work of one of the as yet undetected Elemental Wizards.

A physicist in denial of the wizard theory

Spectral Wizards are notoriously hard to track down in particle physics, as they cannot be viewed directly. "We aren't really seeing the wizards per se," said Mr. Baker, "it's more that we measure the effects of their wizardly powers. "It's been a long process [developing

the theory] this far. We all know the story of Newton having an apple thrown at him for angering a witch. If only he had concentrated on the witch itself, and not waffled on about forces, he might still be alive today."


Unfortunately, a living Newton would be 377 years old - and riddled with various horrific diseases. In fact, many necromancy experts have suggested that if Newton were alive, he would almost certainly be spending every waking moment praying for the sweet release of death.


"This study has over twelve varying consequences to the world of physics," said consequence expert John McKinnon, "this will affect everything from the falling of objects to the raising of objects." However, Mr. Baker urges young physicists to proceed with caution. "There are still a lot of questions left in Physics that wizards simply cannot answer - for example, what manner of Ghost controls electricity? How do we appease him? Should we sacrifice a virgin?" Nevertheless, this is a major boon for modern Physics. CERN has already deployed their Special Forces unit to track down and kill the Gravity Wizard - for there are fears that his high energy levels may create a black hole.


James Colley

Jeremy 2010 Issue 1, Semester 1, Week 4

Transcribed by Lauren


Meme source: Grand Unified Physics Memes Facebook group

Cover image source: Warner Bros


The Jeremy Quotes Competition is back! Send us the best/worst quotes you've heard your lecturers say here.


Interested in writing (or making jokes) about the latest in physics? Let us know at jeremy.physoc@gmail.com

30 views
 
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Twitter
  • LinkedIn

©2020 by University of Sydney Physics Society.